One of my favorite things in the entire fuckin’ world is when I come across something like I did today.
So – I hope by now that everyone in my life knows that I own my toxicity.
I’m a dick, that’s always been true.
But I was also raised in a completely toxic environment. You don’t even understand.
We’re talking drugs, abuse, all of it.
So when I grew up, I treated people the way I’d literally been raised to treat them.
Take what you need from them to survive, because that’s all it was. A game of survival.
It wasn’t until I was grown, and had time to mature and come into myself (we’re talking in my early twenties and even still learning today) that I came to realize just HOW toxic that was. Just how much of an asshole I was.
Literally every person I’ve spoken to about it from my past knows that I’ll make that cringe face, and admit to it. And then, instead of apologizing, I tell them the truth. I was a jackass, toxic, and a dick.
If there’s a way for me to make it right, as an adult, I will.
But I also won’t hold it against them if they don’t want to associate with me.
Why?
BECAUSE I WAS A FUCKIN DICK.
You don’t owe toxic people anything.
You just. You don’t.
Does it hurt to know that I was the toxic one?
Fuck yes, it does.
But I also grew up, moved away, and changed my life.
What does that have to do with what I saw today?
I saw a picture of me, from high school, I’d say I was 14 or 15 in the picture… IF THAT. (Keep in mind, I graduated at 16 and moved away and was STILL toxic at that time… If I had to guess, I’d say I was a toxic person up until my early twenties)
And the person who posted it, I’m sure, has no love lost for me – which was made clear in the comments of the photo.
So why was I happy about it?
Because I know I’ve changed. I know I’m not THAT person any more.
If you’re toxic, I hope you’re able to change, too.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m still a fuckin’ dick. I’m still an asshole. But now, I don’t just use people to get ahead in life. I don’t hurt them intentionally. I don’t make it my goal to only look out for myself.
*mic drop*
april out.

 

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